Last week I started my new job.....this weekend I spent the whole time in bed with what the doc said was a virus that is apparently going round.

Today I felt like I was dying, but I dragged myself into work and then went home at 11am sweating like a pig and head not working at all. Second week in. I haven't even done a full week yet and I have had time off. I really wanted to make a success out of this and I feel I am shooting myself in the foot already.

Apparently this is normal, especially working with kids everyone at work was really nice and said that everyone gets ill in the first month or so until their immune system builds itself up against all the germs that the little rats seem to expel from every pore. This doesn't help me though as I have a non existent immune system and I am always getting ill, infact the first thing I do EVERY single morning I wake up is think, am I well today?

I landed an alien type thing from my left nostril yesterday, seriuously, I was that alarmed that my brains were coming out of my nose that I had to go and show M. It was like this orange jelly mound with blood in it and it was HUGE! Think that must be the virus.

On the positive side, I LOVE my job and the house is coming along really well, I am so excited, I want to move in NOW!

Also, I have a question: How do people stay SO thin? like celebs, for example. Do they just not eat anything? and HOW do they do that? I mean I could not go without eating curry or chinese takeaway and if it's down to exercise then how do people find the energy to work AND go to the gym? I am SO fed up of watching my weight and although I have lovely curves I still feel a little fat but I cannot for go my favourite foods coz then I just feel miserable. I have not been eating healthily at all, and  feel sure now that I prob have full blown diabetes, but healthy eating is so boring!

I am so stressed that I feel that my heart is going to  pop out of my chest and I am s anxious all the time that I don't want to go out of my house. I am still forcing myself to do this but it's hard. It's just all so scary, leaving uni and not knowing whats coming next....I hate uncertainty it makes me feel ill.

Yesterday I handed in my final 2 essays....and I knew it was serious when I didn't feel any relief....I got into my car and I cried and i cried all the way driving back to Leic. Then I couldn't stop, so Mark took me to the doctors, and I was shaking and crying and my heart was racing.

I don't get it though, I only have my dissertation to do now and I know what im doing with it, it is just the thought of going to an interview and getting a job that pays enough to pay this new mortgage and then moving house (which I am really really happy about) but im also really scared and it just all feels like to much. I wish I could be normal and deal with this without getting ill but I can feel im having a mini breakdown. I have stopped eating and feel shaky.

The doc has put me on Diazepam which I am very scared about and haven't taken any yet. I don't think this is good :-(.

This seems to happen to me whenever I feel a little to overwhelmed....what is wrong with me? I mean surely I have dealt with so much b4 so surely i should be used to it by now right?

It REALLY fucks me off!!

I just purchased a gorgeous top which I have had to wait for a month to arive. I ordered it in a size 10 and i can't fit my boobs into it.....or breathe etc. So I called up to order it in a size 12 and they are sold out!

 GUTTED!!

Yay! so glad today is over....spent the whole weekend de cluttering the house and making it gorgeous for estate agent people coming round today to value it with a view to part exing it for this gorge new expensive 4 bedroom detached house. We have reserved the plot and now just waiting to see if they offer us the price we want for this place.....unless we get the exact figure then we can't move.

We have no probs with the monthly's but it's the cost of extras such as carpets to put down in the new house etc.....it really is so special, very sociable and chick and hip and lovely. We have decided to be very very minimal at first (if we get it) and only buy very unusual and quirky funiture....gonna be gorge.

So now we are awaiting (with achy muscles) the verdict of todays valuations. We also had a private guy round who reckons the house is worth the money we want for it and more......but with part ex apparently they often give you 10 percent or so less. So we will see, or otherwise come to an agreement about the carpets or stamp duty (hopefully).

Even though over half of my monthly earnings will be going on this house I feel great to finally be getting on the property ladder and having something to work for....I say that now but I am not sure I will feel the same when I am slogging my guts out all day everyday!

Anyways....took m's bro and wife to see the house (showhome, as our plot is still being built) and they thought it was great! a lot of house for the money and in a lovely village with good schools etc for the kidli winks......just hope to god it all comes off!

M now decided he wants a porche though and I think this is because his bro just traded his Aston in for a gorgeous new bluey silver Porche 911......not a patch on the Aston but saves on the monthly's, especially as they just bought a half a million pound house. I was SOOOOOO jealous, it is gorgeous.....but now although it is gorge I feel a lot better because our new house is also gorge and same size etc but cheaper on the mortgage! :-) YAY!

By the way I have put on most of the weight i lost, have not been going to the gym as been real busy with house stuff and BBqs and Uni work.....jeans are once again 2 tight (size 12) which a week ago I was comfortable in.....on the other hand BMI is down to 22 (lowest it should be for my height) but I still have those fat lumps when i wear tight tops and jeans......WHY do we have those????? I was begining to get rid of them but they have returned with a veangeance....oh fuck!

Ah well.......nothing a few more sessions at the gym wont shift I guess........bugger. By the way I don't wanna be a size 0 just a comfortable size 12 as I like being curvy and now have C cup boobs (which M LOVES) but my body keeps trying to sneak up to a 14 which I am not happy with.......even tho M loves me the way I am I dnt want him to look at me 1 day and think I am a big fat lump and not find me attractive anymore. Plus imagine what size I will be after kids!? jesus!

Anyway I must go as ER is on soon and I need to do last minute Uni type things for tomorrow first...and prize M of the X box x

Uni work is still going S-L-O-W-L-Y however, eveything else is just a whirl wind of activity.....OK ready?

Me and M have reserved a plot on a new housing development, a gorgeous 4 bedroomed detached house with lovely master bedroom with 1 ensuite and a large family bathroom with FAB bath and a downstairs loo so g'ma can come and visit as she can't make it up the stairs. Is perfect.....only prob is selling this place, we are part Xing but stamp duty is still 9k and unless we get full asking price for this house then we shant be able to do it :-(. Am trying not to get hopes up as developers are notorious for giving ridiculously low prices for your property, on the basis that they are paying all your legal and moving costs for the new house. Still keep telling EVERYONE about the house though, we want it so bad. PLEASE keep your fingers, toes and everything else crossed for us!

On other hand have seen a job im going for, sounds really interesting and good pay to! working with excluded kids at a special unit....but early days as haven't even had application pack yet.but again, fingers crossed!

Isn't life strange?

One minute you can be totally freaked out by something and the next enjoy it, look forward to it and succeed or not.....and move on......

My views towards things have changed SO much....today I went to see my real grandma and it is the first time I have seen her since the end of last summer when we fell out. I couldn't relax, my heart was racing and I wanted to leave, I felt no real connection.

When my aunty and my 2 little cousins came over for lunch I sat at the table and I looked at them, I listened to them speaking, watched how they did things and I realised that there is no connection. There may be blood between us but I don't get that ease with them that your meant to get with a close family. I felt as if I was hovering above, looking down and I wasn't really there. Yes there is pictures of them holding me in my life story book, smiling, laughing and playing but I don't know them, im not like them, I can't relate and most of all they didn't bring me up and I don't think I will ever really respect them because of that.

It also occured to me that I am so utterly terrified of fucking up my own children's life (when I have them)....and I am not ready for that....yet. It surprised me because I have found the man I want to have them with and I kinda thought that once that happened that I would rush into having them, to build a family around myself....something that's mine and something that needs me and loves me...but I want it to be right and im so proud of myself for that. After all statistics state that girls who have been in care are more likely to become teenage mothers.

Well I haven't, I came out with more GCSE's than I should have, I went on to college, and I went to Univsersity. I think it's a pretty big achievement. But is it normal not to feel connected with your natural family?

It's like.......

1. Picking a scab and watching it bleed
2. self harming but with less pain and shame
3. heaving a sigh of relief
4. unloading inner pain
5. punishing yourself quietly and without to much attention
6. having a secret
7. medication
8. a release
9. hate

It's best when

1. You have tons of macara on, especially the type that really globs together
2. your eyes look like they are spiders and are THICK with it so you can pull it off right at the root
3. you put it on the bottom ones (because most of the top have gone but the bottom hurts more when pulling.

It makes me feel

1. Like a freak
2. ugly
3. annoyed that I have to wear top liner all the time to try and hide the gap
4. upset because I used to have such long lovely eyelashes
5. odd because there is a name for it and it means there is potentially smething else wrong with me
6. worried incase it progresses
7. relieved as it has only got this bad since my final year began and work stress got to much.
8. like a maniac because last time i even used tweezers to pull out the little ones that were growing back.

Wish I could protect this because now people will just think I am a complete freak, but im not- just very STRESSED!

Whats your way of coping with stress?