Last week I realised how much Uni work I had to do and I have been absolutely working my arse of this week and getting so stressed doing it.

I have also eat nothing but crap and I feel so shit it's untrue, have not even got dressed or washed for the last 2 days, just sat surrounded by paper, books, my laptop and my cats. What disturbs me the most is that even though I look like a complete scrubber, mark seems to be finding me strangely attractive atm......but I can't do anything about it coz all i can think about is what I need to do next!

P>S> I have now pulled nearly all my eyelashes out with stress on my right eye and I look very abnormal. Do they grow back!?

xxxxxxx

For those of you already having completed your time at Uni then you will know what I am going through. It is that time, I have been at Uni for almost 3 years, it is what I know, what I am used to and what I can deal with. It is all about to change and I have the dreaded dissertation to complete to (oh joy).

The sad (or maybe not so sad) thing is that I will really miss studying, as I have learnt so much and found most of it quite interesting, it has allowed me to take interest in 'proper' papers as my mother calls them and more importantly-actually understand them. Now I find myself quite happily buying the TES (Times Education Supplement) and leafing through and sitting in the library reading children now!

It wouldn't be so bad if I actually knew what I wanted to do afterwards, but I don't actually find I have a passion for anything in particular, I was social work, but now that just seems like to much hard work (a 2 year MA) I just want something fulfilling that I can go straight into and start earning money and get on with people and help people and not have to get up to early or work to late, or have some bitch telling me what to do all the time. I am finding out that A) It is virtually impossible to find a job that pays over 11 grand in the Early years profession and B) There are no jobs that particularly interest me. I can be an early years teacher and be in charge of children 0-3 and staff, which is better money but the only job like that at the moment is in Leamington Spa and im not even entirely sure I even want to do that let alone travel for 2 hours each day.

M's latest suggestion is becoming a childminder which I could apply for straight away and I don't need to do any more training. Plus it would mean us moving to a bigger house (yay). Pay is actually quite good providing that you have over 4 kids at any one time and work full time to. Sounds appealing and would be my own boss, but I just invisaged it as something I would be doing in my older days perhaps not now. But how cool would that be, having your own business at 26? M even says if I was successful he'd back me to get another premises etc and equipment and maybe expand.

It's an idea-but I just seem to be moving from one to the next at the moment, each week I could do something different. For example I payed a visit to the vets to buy frontline at the weekend and when we were leaving I turned to M and I said 'I reckon I would have made a good vet, if I wasn't so squemish' and he laughed because just before that we had been to buy a new mobile phone and my knowledge of price plans, etc was better than the shop assistants and I said i'd be good at that to!!! see what I mean!?

Why does no one post comments on here!

I am beginning to realise why everyone has moved to another site!!!

I received an email reply from my dad as I basically sent him a  mail saying 'I didn't receive that phone call from you on my borthday like you promises (what a surprise) and THIS......is the response I got!!

I received a Happy Birthday email from my dad (adoptive) saying 'I have lost your address so I would appreciate it if you could email it to me so that I can put the card in the post that I have for you'

bearing in mind that he never even sent me an xmas card but I just got a pathetic email saying 'I messed up and I didn't post your card in time'.

Each time he does it I respond with heart felt emails saying how pissed off I am as haven't seen him for about 6 years and only spoken to him a handful of times and I ask him why? I suggest we meet up and he doesn't reply for ages, and then when he does he makes excuses about being really busy etc etc. So I say if you don't want to meet up then just say and he says that he does and he misses me and loves me but he can't answer any of my difficult questions and if my emails are to difficult then I don't hear from him for months because he just wusses out.

Last email I said

'look, you brought me up from 4-16 and I will always appreciate that, but I need to see you, even if it is only once so that I can get on with my life. I need to say what I need to and I need you to answer some questions. I will never forgive myself if anything ever happens to you (coz he has heart probs and smokes) and we never meet again'

He never replied and then he didn't even mention it and I just got that stupid email about my address.

What would you do?

Would you carry on trying to sort it out even though you were so angry and hateful towards that person for them leaving you? The one person after you were adopted that you bonded with and promised would never leave you like everyone else had? and then did precisely that, but did it over the phone when you were at your mums and never gave you chance to say good bye to your friends or boyfriend or your old life.

My bf says I should just forget about him, but I can't seem to let go.

But at the moment it is just going round and round, same old excuses and games and im sick of it.

Id really appreciate your help here people xxx

Thu night I went out for drinks with my mate Jenny and it was rather odd, bumped into weirdo people she knew and got VERY drunk and sick and embarassing!

I did the total of fuck all work last week.....felt panicky and rotten all week even had a panic attack before going out Thu but I went out and I was fine. Think it was just because I had kept myself cooped up in the house all week.

Saturday I went to a health Spa with my mum and had a facial, full body massage and pedicure and manicure was blissful. We went swimming and in the Sauna and Jacuzzi, ate a  very healthy lunch and caught up. Felt so chilled out by the end of the day. It just had this wonderful peacefullness about the whole place, as soon as we walked in we could feel all the stress just ebbing away.

When I got home to my gorgeous boy and my 2 girls (the cats) my bf got my pressy for me.....the latest pearl faced silver gucci watch which has literally come out this week, I couldn't believe it and I cried! No one has ever bought me anything that expensive or beautiful before.....go to this link to see a pic! http://www.aatime.com/productdetail.asp?productid=8105

We then went out to a lovely restaurant which was like going back in time, it was so surreal, it had old blokes wearing bow ties playing piano and keyboard and after our complimentary lamb broth we had sorbet to clear our pallet then we had Chataeu Briand and a bottle of bordeaux...was rather tipsy by the end, we finished off with cheese and biscuits and a glass of port, it was such a lovely treat and and something I will never forget-I was very spoilt.

So after my magical weekend it is back to real life tomorrow and the gym and then Uni in the afternoon :-( oh and marks parents on Saturday. What have all you guys been up to?

By way I always feel like im bragging when I write something good but im not, im just very happy at the moment and so grateful to have such special people in my life that want to spoil me as I know not everyone has that and I certainly haven't until now. It can happen! xxxxx

Hello people,

Sorry I have become so crap at blogging, been doing all sorts of stuff, been ill and what ever....still a bit run down and generally glandy but think it's that time of year.

It's my birthday on Saturday.....I can't say I am ridiculously excited or anything, not really bothered 1 way or another to be honest. May go to my biological mothers grave on Sunday and say hello, thought it might be quite nice near the day she gave birth to me.

Mean while I am still sitting staring at my 'fathers' address and telephone number and wondering if I should do anything about it? Somone said to me the other day 'how can you want to find your mother and not your father' but I guess the difference is that I knew that my mother wanted me and fought to keep me, where as my father denied I was his when he was asked to pay maintenance. Guess i'm just scared of rejection-perfectly normal. Yet at the same time I have tons of photos of him holding me and me being christened and his family all around me so they were part of my life at 1 time...and part of me really would like to hear about his views of my mother and their relationship....ho hum, im sure it will come to me eventually.

Had my brother over at the weekend and never realised 14 year olds could be so crafty, he told me he was allowed to watch a 15 so I got a dvd which was 15 only when I took him back to the foster carers and started to tell them about the dvd we watched (c0z im honest like that) he butted in and made up that we watched a totally different dvd! little bugger!! He also knackered me out with making me race him at swimming and gave me a head ache listening to shooting games on the xbox all weekend.....but I do love him, and it's such a novalty to have a little brother that I never knew about until 3 years ago :-). WE are really close too......he's actually quite sweet when he isn't being a macho boy and tells me he loves me etc.

anyway gotta go eat! xxxx