Isn't life strange?

One minute you can be totally freaked out by something and the next enjoy it, look forward to it and succeed or not.....and move on......

My views towards things have changed SO much....today I went to see my real grandma and it is the first time I have seen her since the end of last summer when we fell out. I couldn't relax, my heart was racing and I wanted to leave, I felt no real connection.

When my aunty and my 2 little cousins came over for lunch I sat at the table and I looked at them, I listened to them speaking, watched how they did things and I realised that there is no connection. There may be blood between us but I don't get that ease with them that your meant to get with a close family. I felt as if I was hovering above, looking down and I wasn't really there. Yes there is pictures of them holding me in my life story book, smiling, laughing and playing but I don't know them, im not like them, I can't relate and most of all they didn't bring me up and I don't think I will ever really respect them because of that.

It also occured to me that I am so utterly terrified of fucking up my own children's life (when I have them)....and I am not ready for that....yet. It surprised me because I have found the man I want to have them with and I kinda thought that once that happened that I would rush into having them, to build a family around myself....something that's mine and something that needs me and loves me...but I want it to be right and im so proud of myself for that. After all statistics state that girls who have been in care are more likely to become teenage mothers.

Well I haven't, I came out with more GCSE's than I should have, I went on to college, and I went to Univsersity. I think it's a pretty big achievement. But is it normal not to feel connected with your natural family?